Now it's midnight and there seems to be nobody on qq. Suddenly I felt a loss and uneasy. So my time clock has really changed totally and made me a solo animal for the silent night, although it's still shorter than the day. I still can't finish my task. It seems endless. I chase the sun but it never come down, just like it feels. Who told me a passionate dreamer to be? I just have to stand it. Tomorow seems hopeless, but my future is still, and forever unwritten. I made it my religion. It's time that I calm down and think things over. I must do what I want to do NOW. So, first of all, listen more, and consider more.

Who cares, right?
I told myself to get down doing some really meaningful things, to learn Russian well, to compose concentrately & to discover the unknown. But as long as I open that attractive image search of my favourite people, I just can't help saving those pictures which drool me quite a lot. Not having played the piano for days and my fingers began to be as dull as wood. Some wicked wind has dived into my body and made me feel sick. I just wonder, how could I be wrong? Now I know I'm really obsessed with... You don't know that I love you, but I do.

I fell in love with an angel from nowhere. Although he doesn't have big blue eyes, although he lives far far away from  me, although he is old enough to be my father, although he may never know. But what do I care? I just  love him. You may think I'm insane, but how about the fact that i was born mad? I laugh at those people who never understand, though they never will. Who cares? Nobody. So, it's not a tragedy yet. He's perfect, and I love him. Why not? He's what Deborah read to Noodles, maybe even more gorgeous.

I've been busy changing some of my photos in the computer into vampire style. For example, darkening my eyes, lightening my skin of the face until it gets pale and making the environment feels a little mysterious and gothic. Though never taught of using the software, I think I can manage it well when I find I need to change into a vampire.

It's really cool and exciting, don't you think so?

However, some of  the pics scared my mother.

This is what I'm losing myself to.

Oh my damn left hand. Holy ghost! It used to be right that is always weak but it just give me a complete stroke. The hand is numb, fucking numb. I hate that feeling! I just finished watching that 2004 Wembley Concert performed by DD. What more can I say? My poor vocabulary. Exciting and fantastic. I heard so many girls and women used that word. They are really, really crazy and...what to say, passionate and enthusiastic. What I heard most was the awesome scream. Much louder than what I have ever heard. I just imagine what if I was there. What if I was up there...

How sad it is to be told that I failed the entrance exam for my most wanted university and Italian major. I've got no choice but the damn final ¸ß¿¼! It drove me mad. I hate to admit that I'm defeated but I am.

I can just comfort myself that I haven't wasted the time of studying here for the past 3 weeks. It helps. But I'd rather waste it than being here as a loser. I know I haven't done the best of mine for some reasons, sometimes faith or passion cannot save one person from being frustrated and deserted.

I hope I'll get well soon.

P.S. This is my first post here. May the sad start ends in happiness.

 

 

The spring festival doesn't make me feel any better. damn nerve!silent town. nobody on the street. cold. sad. no future.

I have been suffering from the damn sound in my ear for so long! What the fuck is it? Shit! They say I'm too nervous and go mad easily, that's the problem???It seems nothing can cure my disease! But thanks to it, I can drop from the damn school leaving the others struggling with their disgusting lessons. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

It has changed me a lot, I found it is mercy that we can hear the outside world without trouble.

I'm too lasy to write my current novel. God knows how much of my soul I had put in it!

Dream about something beautiful. While a nightmare came, and it destroyed all my hope.

Mama came to see me this afternoon and I went home after school at night. She planned to go back home tonight but I requested she stay for no reason. Maybe because she had never spent even one night here in my house with me since I moved out of school. She rejected but I insisted, and then I explain the cost of her trip, which depends on whether she leaves today by train or tomorrow by coach. It's only 10 Yuan's difference! And what's more, I asked her to take a walk with me. We just hang around, having reached nowhere but a supermarket. Passing by a Internet bar, to my surprise, she suggested to went in and spent some time there. OMG, she IS my mother~ I said no and took her to a better one. So now I'm there writing this blog, with  my mama next to me. She's concentrating on playing games ...

So strange, you see, almost all the parents in China object to their children playing the computer as well as going online.

 

Mama is wise at some very moment.

last night I dreamt that dad had stored some fruit in my cupboard and they remained fresh for a month, since the day he came to see me in my house. Of course, what I dreamt couldn't be possible. I think this dream suggests that I need my parents even more than I was with them years ago. Everyone might miss his parents more when he is far from them, living alone. Each child needs to be protected no matter if he admits it. That's true. I don't mean to chose a lonely life but it has chosen me! And as for parents' divorce, anyone who says that it has no influence on him is lying! I don't believe shit like that! How could it be true? I've experienced that and I understand this feeling quite well. No matter how good they treat you, or how friendly they were when they split, doubt, confusion & loneliness will take place of your heart and one day you will finally make sense.