The thunder still rolls, but today it seem to take pity on me and leave the daytime for me to do something really important and valuable.

So I still want to thank P for her accompaniment and...And what? She didn't even say much and left the silence between us still and intolerable. But, to my surprise, she said the silence was essential and better.

What a theory! I'm not smart enough to understand it, perhaps. But at least I know that it is she whose brain is just a mess at the moment, not I.

Not to far from that situation, I suppose.

All in all, the meeting more or less satisfied me because at least I got the chance to say what I wanted to say, despite of my dull reaction and tongue. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if my lovely P was not there.

Thank you again, P. And thanks to the thunder today. I know I'm not casted away.

 

 

Actually I listen to music while writing this blog every single time, but I hadn't taken notice to the "Currently listening to, watching, reading, planning to get, etc." before and this is the first time that i add music here. I love music and can't live without it.

I hate you, thunders, lightening and raindrops, just for today. You ruined my turning point and everything more meaningful to me, you know? I know that you don't. You didn't mean to upset me. But you don't know how much harm you have done to me. Then, how could I forgive you?

Yes, I waited for long, and will wait until midnight has gone far and when I'm utterly brain damaged and heart dead. What a wrong sentence!

Rain. Ruin.

Maybe I have done something awful, so heaven wants to punish me by letting the evil weather attack me. But what is it? Am I really that  wicked? Another beautiful word that I'm using.

I don't know whether I'll be given the chance to pick up my bittersweet memories. No prayer will work. It seems that I begin to believe in that uncertain thing called fate, though unwilling to but can't help being addicted in it cos it seems the only thing that can explain my life and minds. Then why, why do I feel guilty for no reason? Why should I be just so cruelly treated? Who knows?

I know my writings in English, even in my mother language, is always in chaos. My thought is just twisting and running but even I myself can't express it to the most accurate level.

And I admit that today is not a good day for me, and maybe for someone else, too, I  suppose.

 

Not dying, but I really feel like nothing but black and the unknown. I like being free and nothing to worry, or at least nothing about the damn study to worry. It's the second best times in my life, however, it won't be long, I know it quite well.

No matter how hard I try to treasure the moments of this hot summer, I regret and feel sorry always. I have a strange and annoying feeling of fear, fear of the future university life and the track of my whole life. I can't always do what I want or be what i want to be, and I just regard it as tragedy. I'm not that optimistic.

I'm at a loss. I wonder how long I would keep our friendship and when you will leave me with no return. I hope that day never comes.

It depends on you, not me, you all know that.

I've been listening to black metal, gothic metal and thrash metal all day long for the past few days and I'm already immune from those so called noise. I thought they are just, fantastic.

If you disappoint me, I'll delete all my blogs about you. I'm strong, you know.

It's unbelievable when I read my collections of my junior middle school age. I picked out the notebooks full of words from different people, paintings of my old classmates, letters and other stuff. They still feel so warm. Even when I look back into the splendid old times I feel so lost and tragical, I still feel satisfied and happy in my heart. No one knows how much I miss my old schoolyard and friends. They are just perfectly fantastic and attracting. I even want to be a little childish pupil again, sitting in the messed-up classroom, listening to the dizzy scientific words and sometimes feeling lost for no reason or just because of someone special. But none of the items above can be done. Time never  looks back. Absurd! I love it! I love my past! But what else can I do except keeping those collections safe and pick them up to review once in a while?

Time, you are also a cruel word, don't you agree?

The first strange thing was that I can't view my own blog here.  Why the hell is it? Even P could attach it, though the English words made her faint. And the second one was that I had been sleepy before the sun went down. How could it be? I ususally go to bed at 4am! May I haven't realized that I am facing a trouble but somehow I can predict and smell it. P has to discuss the process of the date with J and I don't know what guidance should I give her. And the most disgusting  fact is that I have a damn fucking cold right now and I don't wanna ruin my poor image by showing my running nose or something else in front of the most beloved one in my messed-up life. I try to be perfect as hard as I could.

I just like this word. Silence. Midnight still, and I've already got used to sleep after the very first sunshine of the new day, though trying to persuade myself to quit this habit. Right now, I can hear nothing but the noise of the poor computer and the waterstream. It's just my fault, or who else's. Well, I don't know what I'm writing about. I just pick up pieces of my broken thoughts and post them here. I care and spend too much on the novel. The title, I think, is very ordinary but true and close to the theme. Ten years between life and death. Not well translated, but I still like it to death. It's just like my baby, I gave birth to her and want her to be someone who can really tell what's in my heart. It's so tragical that I can share it with few people, including the original image of the characters, of course. I don't know why I want to talk about the novel here in this lonely blog. Maybe just because I care for it too much. I even plan to translate the whole words of it into English, but what a huge project will it be!And I'm not skilled enough to do that. Since I'm to study English still in university, maybe it will help. But now, it seems all that I can do is produce imagination and inspiration deeply in my heart in preparation for the film based on it. I'm looking forward to angel actors sent from Heaven, if possible, and I can direct the film myself. I can bet that I'm able to make it! I dedicate the novel to two of my best friends, J & P, thanks them a lot. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1HrVFOXNow

Now I'm determined that this blog will be my only blog written all in English. It's just like fate. Something strange and mysterious has decided the thing, you just follow your feeling, and no one can ever change or stop it. And so I'll be busy reproduce those articles written in other millions of blogs back here and translate some essential ones. I'll keep this blog as a true and valuable memory of my life and past time so I'll do it very carefully.

I still want to translate part of my blog written just now into English here. Because the content is really really too important to me.

Here it is:

So it goes the dinner for my entering university, it's just a silly practise in my eyes. But I have to be there, to speak although it makes me nervous and shy, and to salute to somebody. The only thing I like about it is that I can gather my old classmates there and have a good time.

Finally they came, much more people than I had thought it would be. Although I wasn't able to talk to everyone for long, I still felt satisfied and excited. The most important thing was that J came and we talked face to face after two and a half years, although just a few words. All in all, he was still that shy boy, I suppose. It seemed that I should do more. I'll try, together with Bubble.

Then we went to KTV but the atmosphere was not that hot. Well, forget it. It was still good, wasn't it?

All my good friends, I love you!

I seem to have got used to the timetable now. Go to bed after 4am when the outside is covered with slight light and people begin to appear in the streets. It's such an amazing experience, although may not be scientific. Who cares? I always have many things to do. The more I know, the more I want to know. Just take searching pics as an example, I'm drowned in it and can't get rid of it. Such a bittersweet job to do. Make me tired and numb as well as wise and more artistic in the name of beauty. I love beauty , and art, too.

Damn it! As long as my emule gets a high speed of download, the web breaks down. It's just a fucking waste of time watching the deadly tired mule coming out to tell me bad news with its ears lining up a long way. Shit! What the hell will my task be done? Endless indeed! Damn! I just love to ruin myself. I'm a weirdo, of course. Not only I maybe. Only if you have that damn stubborn daft passion to do an important thing which may just turn out to be a failure. I know my brain is already damaged. I can see stars in my arms. Psycho, what a fucking beautiful word.